DisclaimerThis is not a serious article. It's my silly attempt at appearing for 'SEO Wakefield'. And it worked - I must be doing something right! If you want to talk to me about serious SEO, contact me via the button below.
SEO Wakefield: What is Search Engine Optimisation?
Search Engine Optimisation is the process of optimising search engines to ensure they are working properly. Basically it’s about being a good mechanic who can fix engines.
SEO Wakefield: What are search engines?
Search engines are like any other engines, but they are used to generate results when someone makes a search on the internet.
There are many different types of search engines, but Google is the biggest in the world – because Google uses massive cruise ship engines to power their search results. Google recently bought the engines from a huge fleet of cruise liners that had been bought by Channel 5 to film Cruising With Jane Mcdonald (more about her later).
Similarly, Bing is powered by old speedboat engines bought at auction when speedboat companies go bust, because nobody needs a speedboat anymore.
Different countries use different search engines – Russia’s Yandex, for example, uses old Soviet tractor engine which are driven along by Ukrainian rescue donkeys.
SEO Wakefield: What is Search Engine Optimisation Wakefield?
Search Engine Optimisation Wakefield is the Optimisation of Search Engines in Wakefield.
The majority of Wakefield’s search engines are kept in the loft of Chris Kamara’s massive house in Wakefield. Chris Kamara is employed by Google to do Search Engine Optimisation Wakefield by feeding the Wakefield search engines with amazing content and awesome user experience.
UPDATE 2021: Talks are currently ongoing to move Wakefield’s search engines to Jane Mcdonald’s house, which is much bigger than Chris Kamara’s.
Wakefield search engines are mostly engines from the old 1980s Northern trains that were only decommissioned a few years ago . They are fueled by good old fashioned Yorkshire spittle collected from inmates at HMP Wakefield.
However, Google is looking into buying the engines from LNER’s fancy Azuma trains which are currently idle, because nobody up North wants to go to that London in a pandemic.
SEO Wakefield: How does Search Engine Optimisation Wakefield work?
When a user makes a search in a search engine in Wakefield, Chris Kamara fires up the search engines to find relevant answers.
Often the search engines will get too hot, so Chris Kamara turns his the temperature down on his Hive to cool them.
This is how Search Engine Optimisation Wakefield works.
SEO Wakefield: How do I get my business to appear higher in search engines?
Once the search engine receives your search, Chris then prints out millions of pages of these answers to be displayed in the SERP (Search Engine Repository Pontefract). This is a huge warehouse near the Haribo factory where searchers go to collect their search results.
In order to get your business shown in the SERP, you need to print out your entire website and send it to Google by Royal Mail 1st Class Signed For.
Your website will then be added to Google’s index at the Search Engine Repository Pontefract. The index is essentially thousands of rows of old filing cabinets which store all the website print outs.
To make your website more indexable, it needs to be easily read by crawlers.
Crawlers are called crawlers because they have to crawl on their hands and knees to access all the rows of filing cabinets which are stacked to the ceiling.
To ensure your site can easily read by crawlers, you need to print your website out in massive font (many crawlers can’t retire until they are 85) and ensure it’s printed on A4 so it can fit in the index properly.
SEO Wakefield: How can I get my business to appear top in Google?
Searchers go to the Search Engine Repository Pontefract (SERP) to collect their search results.
The SERP is essentially Argos. You present your search query by writing it on a slip of paper with a little blue pen and someone goes off to find what you want from the room out the back.
Here’s some great Local SEO ideas to help your business appear top of the search results in Wakefield:
– Bribe Chris Kamara so he puts your business on the top of the pile when he prints the results
– Print flyers and post them through letterboxes
– Call your business ‘Wakefield Weather’ which has huge search volume
That’s how to optimise your business for SEO Wakefield.
SEO Wakefield: What is Wakefield?
Wakefield is a coastal resort of around 2.3 million people, located 150 miles inland from the North Sea. Is the administrative capital of the Self Canonicalizing Anarchist Republic of Yorkshire (SCARY).
SEO Wakefield: How big is Wakefield?
Wakefield is bigger than Lytham St Annes but smaller than Jakarta.
SEO Wakefield: Things to Do in Wakefield
The most popular thing to do in Wakefield is walk around the Hepworth Gallery pretending you know about art. Other popular attractions include Sandal Castle, where Napoleon was defeated in the Battle of Durkar in 1817, and the Cribs blue plaque in the square with all the water fountains.